how can u be prego again
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
