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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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