I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
