Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
