arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
