On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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