so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
