I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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