dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
