I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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