Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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