The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
