I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
