just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
