In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
