Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
