I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
