I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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