anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
