where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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