Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
