I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize