Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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