is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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