I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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