I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
