i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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