Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
