I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
