If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
