walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
