I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
