i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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