dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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