She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
