Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
