Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
