God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
