I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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