it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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