whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
