I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
