I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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