My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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