the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
