I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
