Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
