GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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