Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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