I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
