i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
