Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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